*poem published in L. C. three years ago. it feels like a glimpse into another life…
when i was on xanax
my brain curled into itself
everything was numb
and nothing hurt.
my therapist had prescribed three doses of 0.25mg per day to me.
i would swallow a first dose
and i would carry off with my morning routine, while mentally rewinding the side effects.
i roll in my sheets, patting the mattress, searching for my phone
i double-press snooze
changes in patterns
i fall on my back in bed, bringing my knees to my chest
clumsiness and unsteadiness
i doze off
i jerk as the alarm goes off
feeling sad and empty
snooze snooze snooze
shakiness, an unsteady walk
i rub my eyes. there’s a small ache in the back of my head. feels like it’s melting my thoughts apart.
i jump as the alarm rings for the third time.
(less common side effects)
loss of self-control
i search for a pair of panties to match my mood. grey
loss of coordination
i pull a shirt over my head
loss of memory
i flatten the wrinkles with my hands
loss of voice
i apply foundation unevenly
i press my nose to my mirror. i stare at my glazed eyes as i swallow my first dose.
i got off xanax because
while my insides didn’t clench anymore
my eyes could still see