tantra – amaryllis

i turned 25 in the Himālayas, on the resplendent Khaliya trek, and camped in a remote meadow that can only be described as the land of the apasāras.

hiking, i reflected on 24, which was the year of the great heartbreak: of fierce grace. the path burned through what i had worshipped as truth and held most dear, and violently pushed me to transform.

on last year’s pilgrimage to the Himālayas, i had prayed on a trek to Gomukh: “free me. i will do whatever it takes.” when the whatever it took came, it was not what i had imagined, and it broke my heart. i had thought i had known heartbreak, but all paled before the pain of facing the untruths i had clung to under the name of God. seeing through your own deceptions is a harsh business.

as the projections i had built my spiritual life around began crumbling, i was left feeling disillusioned, and i was tempted to renounce my search for God. one of the darkest nights of the soul of 24 was one of doubt, in which i doubted everything. i bitterly cursed my trust, and felt repulsed by the dynamics of modern spirituality. i reasoned, if such power dynamics can be built on spiritual teachings, then the teachings must be false.

and yet my intuition, which i had cut myself off from, arose gently; a tiny voice silently telling me that the truth i was seeking does exist. it is pulsing underneath the mirage. my intuition told me not to close myself. to trust the play and uncover the teachings. to keep moving and follow the energy.

diving deep into disillusionment paradoxically opened my system to increasing expansion as well as to a love of an encompassing nature that i had not tasted before.

followingly, one thing i have experienced, is this: freedom rests in autonomy on the spiritual path. the teachings, the dimensions of God, such as the Mahāvidyās, the Devas and Devīs, are real – only not in the way we tend to think about them and not in the way they are taught in modern spirituality. you have to experience them for yourself. you are intrinsically worthy of it. keep moving.

my motto for 25 is: whatever it takes.

i have been exploring the algorithm of the Mahāvidyā Kamalātmikā through sound pathway as facilitated by the AshZero offering of “Sounds of Śakti” for which @lensonearth created a series of sounds distilled from bījā mantra. the sounds are not chants nor articulated resonance; instead, they are what we see as a container through which sound is projected as shape. this model of absorption is a near non-linear oral transmutation which aims to follow the siddhānta (algorithm) of ṛṣi darśanāta (to understand more, watch “Vedas: All You Wanted to Know” by Dr. Kesarkar which expounds on how the Vedas originated from sound: https://youtu.be/mK6KdrmyOcg?si=t7vuad5g9kiLXCyF).

after experimenting with various abstract sound combinations for a week, i began continuously looping through one particular waveform.

with the awareness that it is in our humanness to prefer what is amiable and to make choices (such as that of which sound to absorb) based on what resonates with our sense projections, i aimed to renounce any bias and to absorb the sound for 3 weeks without expectations, familiarity or target. i listened to it in the morning and in the evening, 4 times each round.

gradually, the sound became integrated in my system; i became able to access it spontaneously, in the sensory exchanges occurring in my regular days. i noticed change in my perception of the events arising in my life as well as in my actions. as instructed, i aimed to avoid the natural urge to linearly make sense of it or to differentiate positive and negative effects arising of this flow. thus, i will not pinpoint what exactly changed in my life through the means of this sound, nor do i think it would be feasible or fruitful, as it causes validation toward a process – which is not the aim of application-based Tantra.

however, as an exercise, i decided to jot down the unfolding of a sound exploration that transpired in my first night in Rishikesh without any rationale other than an opening to the process possibly unlocking something within without a specific subconscious target.

i’m not sharing this with the intention to construct a mystical halo. mystical / energetic experience is ultimately just an experience – it can greatly help us open or gain clarity, but it’s important not to get caught up in it. the experience i am sharing simply demonstrates how sound can be absorbed by the system and nothing more, and has no inherent specialness.

as i sat by the Gaṅgā, the sound i have been imbibing spontaneously rang in my right ear at low volume. after a small dram of whisky taken as sacrament, the sound boomed in both of my ears. my heartbeat increased and various bodyparts, such as navel, feet and hands began pulsing. what i understand as “pleasure pathways” in my system fired. followingly, i directly listened to the sound with headphones, eyes open. after i finished listening, the sound overturned my thoughts and my experience became an immersion in the five senses (sight, touch etc).

sacrament choice: 6 y/o Highland Park independent bottle, 60.1%, which i got from Cadenhead’s at a Whiskybaba.in immersion in summer – i’m not a fan of OB (original / official bottling) of Highland Park but their IB (independent bottling) i think is a must try. 🙂

Category: tantra

25 in the Himālayas

AshZero Sound Explorations: The Mahāvidyā Kamalātmikā Algorithm