i long for closure and i crave familiarity,
melded thoughts and warm hands.
i am desperate to connect.
i want to feel someone’s soul
glued to mine.
i dream of intimacy,
but i’m clumsy:
when people embrace me too tightly,
i hiss like a cornered snake.
i’m wary of being alone, but
i drift away during conversations,
i ignore messages,
i break friendships,
i feign smiles.
i find refuge
in my bell jar.
every night
i close the jar’s lid with shaky hands,
hug my knees
and blow air on the glass.
*poem published in scan lancaster, february 2020, in the column ‘four incantations for loss, joy and love’. i wrote it two years ago, as part of my second-year poetry collection ‘teenage angst’. i aimed to emulate the restlessness i felt as a young, teenage girl. i feel so touched reading it! wish i could hug that olden version of myself.
amaryllis 