“is there something wrong with my brain?”, i genuinely wondered on an afternoon in which excruciating thoughts looped and pressed onto each other, and i felt like had lost control of my mind.
i have exhibited symptoms of mild ocd since childhood, namely physical and mental compulsions generally activated in periods of extreme stress or busyness. while i learned to gain control over physical compulsions in my teenage years by practicing inquiring into the mind and meditation as well as with the help of therapy, mental compulsions, known by psychologists as ‘pure o’, continued to emerge in different phases, under the hood, so to speak – in the sense that the lack of physical symptoms led me to assume that there were no mental latches (term utilised for a fixated compulsion), and i generally continued merrily with my life until pure o would peek back its head with a latch, and i would be left stunned, wondering what the disconnect had been; what was wrong; and if my brain was broken. this was until i discovered the work of Robert Bray, who worked with his mind & compulsions by exploring the work of the ancient greek and roman philosophers (did you know that CBT and most modern therapies have been built on their ideas?) through whom i discovered the work of Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT (the mother of CBT) which he coined in 1950s. according to them, even more important than exposure techniques, the key to working with such ‘disorders’ is to identify your core fears and irrational beliefs and deconstruct them.
although there were times i wished that my brain was wired differently, it has been being exactly as i am that brought me most richness by sending me on a quest to understand my mind. on this quest, i studied Jung in my undergrad, as well as independently conducted my own studies in the realm of modern psychology, which i paused for the past two-three years as i took a different approach to understanding myself outside of these bounds. a piece was still missing, though, and i returned to my studies a few months ago. i have since immersed myself into the application of REBT – which i was surprised to recognise as the source of most techniques of self-inquiry that i know of, which seem to have been developed from it.
i have been applying REBT in my life to both process my emotions and the world with reason and gentleness, as well as to enlarge my perspectives and to push myself past my insecurities. it is working wonders, and i will begin to share my process with REBT on my socials – both for my own clarity and to bring more light to such pioneering work that has magnificent potential for growth.
brief 101:
so, what is REBT?
REBT is a method in which you identify your irrational beliefs and deconstruct them through a technique called ‘disputing’.
why REBT? what is the missing piece in the popularised techniques of self-exploration?
in my very humble opinion, the premise. i am simply looking here at what has worked / has not worked for me, i don’t have an expert opinion. the premise ellis starts from is a thorough understanding of the fabric of the ego, as well as of what we know as ‘self-esteem’; eg. your very understanding of yourself as a self that you can rate as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is IRRATIONAL. you do not exist as such. and so, REBT builds upon the disputation of this fundamental one belief: that in yourself as the person you think you are, which is nothing but a myth you constructed. 
enjoy the introduction to the ‘myth of self-esteem’ by Dr. Albert Ellis.
Pure O Journey, Chronological Chronicles: from fearing that my brain was broken to learning to embrace it & to work with it harmoniously. 
you can watch and listen to me speak about it on TikTok here.
going in more depth into my journey as well as into the techniques (such as REBT) that i use to understand myself and my brain better, as well as to live harmoniously both with myself and with others.
i have exhibited symptoms of mild ocd since childhood; at the time it would manifest mainly in the form of physical compulsions, such as repeating an action for numerous times, rearranging objects in particular geometric shapes, picking specific colours, fixating on wanting to have ‘good’ thoughts and to act with a ‘good’ thought in mind (the last still comes up!). all of this was done with a particular magical thinking mindset of ‘ensuring’ security, with a compulsion of wishing that by controlling a certain action or my external circumstance i could ensure control amidst uncertainty. the compulsions weren’t consistent, but would emerge in certain periods. i was an academically inclined child, so i would go through periods of extreme busyness and stress of competitions, exams, which was when the compulsions would manifest.
in my teenage years, as hormonal changes came into the picture and as life got busier and more vibrant, there were more such periods of busyness and i was compelled to tackle my compulsions. with the help of predominantly psychedelic explorations as well as therapy, meditation and reads in spirituality and psychology, i began to understand how i functioned more and removed the component of physical compulsions.
mental compulsions, known as pure o, continued unbeknown to me; i was not well informed on this topic and had assumed that physical compulsions were the only manifestation of a compulsive ‘disorder’.
the continuation of mental compulsions and subsequent distress and anxiety led to moments in which i wondered if there was something wrong with me, or if my brain was broken, which was painful.
flashforward, i paused my independent quest in psychology for about three years as i sought my spiritual longing, and began practicing in a (very beautiful) tradition which included a morning (very beautiful) ritual that held in it rules of cleanliness and reverence. with an edge created here by external factors, my physical compulsions came back with a force, and i would spend 2-3 hours every day with cleanliness compulsions ruling me, while, in my lack of clarity, i genuinely believed i was just following rules with care. after my path organically took me onto another direction (for radically different reasons, of course ), i renounced ritual at one point, which followingly led to me realise, in retrospect, that my physical compulsions had returned in that form. i was suddenly hit by a flash of clarity into seeing how outside of this mental latches (will give examples in future vids!) had continued throughout the years. i realised this had not been the quick fix i had assumed it was, and resumed my quest to understand my brain though psychology and philosophy.
this is how i discovered the work of Robert Bray, which derives from ancient philosophies and includes exposure therapy. through him i discovered the amazing Dr. Albert Ellis and his REBT. i have tried several action-oriented techniques through the years (i believe most very closely resemble REBT, which makes sense as REBT is considered the mother of CBT and imo what we see almost everywhere in the new-age world are repackages of CBT), but the premise of this one, which i will expand on in future shares, works best for me in leading me to harmony with my mind and with the world. more coming soon. i set up an IG where i’ll compile all of this, @easingintothemind, you can find me there if this evokes any interest. 
here’s to understanding ourselves!
APPLICATIONS:
- IRRATIONAL BELIEF – I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH
the formula of REBT, coined by Dr. Albert Ellis in the 1950s, is based on the work of ancient philosophers such as Marcus Aurelius. (sidenote, i’m just getting into Marcus Aurelius, and, ah, his words are gems!). i discovered it through the recommendation of OCD expert Robert Bray. out of all techniques of rewiring cognitive patterns i’ve used, it has proved most efficient in deconstructing pure o so far!
known as the A-B-C-D-E-F model, its premise is: most of the distress we experience is unnecessary suffering which arises from holding onto irrational beliefs. (i think this differentiates REBT from other action-orientated techniques of therapy, as it doesn’t promise to end suffering, but to instead dilute unnecessary suffering). it provides you this model to identify the irrational belief, dispute it, replace it & process.
let’s take an example in which i applied REBT!
situation: i want to have an experience by attending a specific event.
adversity: a thought arises; i want it, but what if i am not good enough for it?
belief: if i have this thought, there must be some truth to it. perhaps * i * should not go for it and protect myself from the possibility of rejection.
consequence: my chest contracts, i experience distress & there is the possibility of not going for what i want.
disputation: both the thought of not being good enough and the judgment of the thought as particularly meaningful are irrational beliefs. being “good enough” is a volatile concept which only exists in an even more volatile & subjective scale of comparison that cannot be quantified in reality. a thought is a cognitive process which arises from conditioning and from what we consume and have consumed on a daily basis over years with a degree of randomness; a thought is not a fact which has any inherent meaning other than that which i assign to it. if i have to label or judge my thoughts, per Ellis, it would be more rational to judge them as “effective” or “ineffective” (to one’s goal – more on this later).
effective new belief: thoughts and doubt have arisen and i can choose to remain undisturbed by either.
new feelings: relief. self-assurance. there is nothing wrong.
#pureo compulsion example as identified by Robert Bray, MD:
dissecting a past situation seen as unfavourable to catch patterns from multiple angles in order to ensure it won’t happen again. *to be differentiated from learning from past happenings in retrospect. a compulsion distinguishes itself through over-fixation as well as rooted core-fear.
my experience with this:
i dissected a particular mess i got myself into from hundreds of angles almost daily after i got myself out of it. i thought that if i dissected it hard enough, i could catch all of the giveaway signs and would ensure that i would never, ever put myself in that dynamic again – and protect myself. not only was it stressful to follow this thread, but it only stuck me into dead ends and loops of thinking which morphed into other loops of thinking.
breaking down the compulsion:
what is the rooted core-fear?
that i will be in pain again.
what is the irrational belief behind this compulsion?
that there can ever be a certainty.
disputing through REBT: there is no certainty that any situation would repeat itself with the same patterns and giveaway signs. life is too complex. yes, i might get hurt again. yes, i might end up in that dynamic again. yes, i might have to pull myself out of that dynamic again. it might not be pleasant.
i accept the uncertainty of that and the possibility (probability) of pain.
amaryllis 