*a shortened version of this poem was shortlisted for the Literary Lancashire Award and published in the LLA Anthology 2019, extremely grateful and so, so tearful ❤
i dream that my teeth fall out at night
and i swallow them,
one by one.
my teeth scratch the insides of my throat
and i choke on them.
i wake up crying,
cover my mouth and scream into my fingers,
pushing my hands into my forehead,
as if i’m trying to pull my mind out of my head.
it’s been one month since your funeral.
i am crying all the time now.
i cry for you in the shower
i cry for you in front of my untouched breakfast
i cry for you in toilets in metro stations
i cry for you gracelessly doing my make-up
i cry for you when i wash my hair with blueberry shampoos
i cry for you when i read your messages, the 67th time.
i cry and i long for you,
i cry and i long for you.
i cry less and i eat apples
i wear red and buy you flowers.
my mind blocks my pain
and i am better.
my friends make me laugh
and i find comfort in being alive.
i dread those days.
those days my head swims in guilt
and my shame thumps in my ears.
those days i feel myself forgetting you
and i wish i could glue your eyes to my mind.
when those days end,
i break my mind with photos of you
and i dream of melting.
i’m soaking in loss and i’m chanting buddhist mantras
they say that i should surrender my grief
they say that we are bound together,
even if i heal
but how can it be
when you only exist through my pain
i am willing to suffer each day for you
so you do not to die again.