so, twenty-two! this morning i revisited two letters i wrote to myself: one as i entered my twenties, and the other as i turned seventeen. i was very touched. at age seventeen, depression had slipped into my every inch, and, at times, i was doubtful whether i was going to make it through my teens. looking back to my struggle is humbling. i am endlessly grateful for the enveloping grace that pushed me to become enamoured of life herself. my resolution and wish for this year is to become committed to loving what is, no matter what that looks like. thinking about this wondrously beautiful and painful year, i decided that twenty-one meant transformation, discipline and grace. twenty-one was marked by a few milestones: i completed my undergraduate degree and began my postgraduate studies; my poetry blossomed into a radically new direction, and my lyrical voice, at first so saddened and scattered, grew along with me, blooming into devotion and lushness as esotericism bound us together; i made amends with estranged friends and undertook my most mature projects to date –
most importantly, i found my beloved teacher, my Guruji (or she found me!) and my dear sangha. if my fidgety teens have been about constructing a sense of self that desperately wanted *more*: more accomplishments, more beauty, more connections, more validation, my twenties are about unbecoming: humbly peeling layers of my self and opening to the sweetness that glimmers through… and, if you look closely, “She is smiling at you from all things”…
…She’s playing in my heart.
Whatever I think, I think Her name.
I close my eyes and She’s in there
Garlanded with human heads.
Common sense, know-how-gone,
So they say I’m crazy. Let them.
All I ask, my crazy Mother,
Is that You stay put.
Ramprasad cries out: Mother, don’t
Reject this lotus heart You live in
Don’t despise this human offering
At Your feet…
the flowers i’m holding were sent to me by my parents and i am wearing a mystic wig that made me fall back in love with dark hair. this was the first year that my family did not see me for my birthday due to travelling restrictions, so they sent me flowers. i fell in love with adorning my room with flowers in summer, when i spent my mornings offering fresh petals to Devi and nourishing my soul.