throes by téa nicolae | songs of youth

you

spilled ice cream on my sundress

and swayed me to rock ballads

i

reminded you of spring

and faded in the summer breeze

we

had a common affinity

for boys with smudged eyes dressed in pretty skirts singing scratchy songs about loves lost to heroin

you

were my stained musician

i

was your absentminded poetess

we

were seeking to destroy ourselves

for throes of applause and tastes of success

you

did.

i

was one step before the chasm

when stratospheric glooms parted.

i

suddenly knew

that my quill did not have to be my ruin.

i

suddenly saw

that i could create beauty.

applications of REBT and my OCD journey

“is there something wrong with my brain?”, i genuinely wondered on an afternoon in which excruciating thoughts looped and pressed onto each other, and i felt like had lost control of my mind.

i have exhibited symptoms of mild ocd since childhood, namely physical and mental compulsions generally activated in periods of extreme stress or busyness. while i learned to gain control over physical compulsions in my teenage years by practicing inquiring into the mind and meditation as well as with the help of therapy, mental compulsions, known by psychologists as ‘pure o’, continued to emerge in different phases, under the hood, so to speak – in the sense that the lack of physical symptoms led me to assume that there were no mental latches (term utilised for a fixated compulsion), and i generally continued merrily with my life until pure o would peek back its head with a latch, and i would be left stunned, wondering what the disconnect had been; what was wrong; and if my brain was broken. this was until i discovered the work of Robert Bray, who worked with his mind & compulsions by exploring the work of the ancient greek and roman philosophers (did you know that CBT and most modern therapies have been built on their ideas?) through whom i discovered the work of Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT (the mother of CBT) which he coined in 1950s. according to them, even more important than exposure techniques, the key to working with such ‘disorders’ is to identify your core fears and irrational beliefs and deconstruct them.

although there were times i wished that my brain was wired differently, it has been being exactly as i am that brought me most richness by sending me on a quest to understand my mind. on this quest, i studied Jung in my undergrad, as well as independently conducted my own studies in the realm of modern psychology, which i paused for the past two-three years as i took a different approach to understanding myself outside of these bounds. a piece was still missing, though, and i returned to my studies a few months ago. i have since immersed myself into the application of REBT – which i was surprised to recognise as the source of most techniques of self-inquiry that i know of, which seem to have been developed from it.

i have been applying REBT in my life to both process my emotions and the world with reason and gentleness, as well as to enlarge my perspectives and to push myself past my insecurities. it is working wonders, and i will begin to share my process with REBT on my socials – both for my own clarity and to bring more light to such pioneering work that has magnificent potential for growth.

brief 101:
so, what is REBT?
REBT is a method in which you identify your irrational beliefs and deconstruct them through a technique called ‘disputing’.

why REBT? what is the missing piece in the popularised techniques of self-exploration?

in my very humble opinion, the premise. i am simply looking here at what has worked / has not worked for me, i don’t have an expert opinion. the premise ellis starts from is a thorough understanding of the fabric of the ego, as well as of what we know as ‘self-esteem’; eg. your very understanding of yourself as a self that you can rate as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is IRRATIONAL. you do not exist as such. and so, REBT builds upon the disputation of this fundamental one belief: that in yourself as the person you think you are, which is nothing but a myth you constructed. 😁 enjoy the introduction to the ‘myth of self-esteem’ by Dr. Albert Ellis.

Pure O Journey, Chronological Chronicles: from fearing that my brain was broken to learning to embrace it & to work with it harmoniously. 🤍 you can watch and listen to me speak about it on TikTok here.

🔆 going in more depth into my journey as well as into the techniques (such as REBT) that i use to understand myself and my brain better, as well as to live harmoniously both with myself and with others.

🔆 i have exhibited symptoms of mild ocd since childhood; at the time it would manifest mainly in the form of physical compulsions, such as repeating an action for numerous times, rearranging objects in particular geometric shapes, picking specific colours, fixating on wanting to have ‘good’ thoughts and to act with a ‘good’ thought in mind (the last still comes up!). all of this was done with a particular magical thinking mindset of ‘ensuring’ security, with a compulsion of wishing that by controlling a certain action or my external circumstance i could ensure control amidst uncertainty. the compulsions weren’t consistent, but would emerge in certain periods. i was an academically inclined child, so i would go through periods of extreme busyness and stress of competitions, exams, which was when the compulsions would manifest.

🔆 in my teenage years, as hormonal changes came into the picture and as life got busier and more vibrant, there were more such periods of busyness and i was compelled to tackle my compulsions. with the help of predominantly psychedelic explorations as well as therapy, meditation and reads in spirituality and psychology, i began to understand how i functioned more and removed the component of physical compulsions.

🔆 mental compulsions, known as pure o, continued unbeknown to me; i was not well informed on this topic and had assumed that physical compulsions were the only manifestation of a compulsive ‘disorder’.

🔆 the continuation of mental compulsions and subsequent distress and anxiety led to moments in which i wondered if there was something wrong with me, or if my brain was broken, which was painful.

🔆 flashforward, i paused my independent quest in psychology for about three years as i sought my spiritual longing, and began practicing in a (very beautiful) tradition which included a morning (very beautiful) ritual that held in it rules of cleanliness and reverence. with an edge created here by external factors, my physical compulsions came back with a force, and i would spend 2-3 hours every day with cleanliness compulsions ruling me, while, in my lack of clarity, i genuinely believed i was just following rules with care. after my path organically took me onto another direction (for radically different reasons, of course 😁), i renounced ritual at one point, which followingly led to me realise, in retrospect, that my physical compulsions had returned in that form. i was suddenly hit by a flash of clarity into seeing how outside of this mental latches (will give examples in future vids!) had continued throughout the years. i realised this had not been the quick fix i had assumed it was, and resumed my quest to understand my brain though psychology and philosophy.

🔆 this is how i discovered the work of Robert Bray, which derives from ancient philosophies and includes exposure therapy. through him i discovered the amazing Dr. Albert Ellis and his REBT. i have tried several action-oriented techniques through the years (i believe most very closely resemble REBT, which makes sense as REBT is considered the mother of CBT and imo what we see almost everywhere in the new-age world are repackages of CBT), but the premise of this one, which i will expand on in future shares, works best for me in leading me to harmony with my mind and with the world. more coming soon. i set up an IG where i’ll compile all of this, @easingintothemind, you can find me there if this evokes any interest. 😌 here’s to understanding ourselves! 🤍

APPLICATIONS:

  1. IRRATIONAL BELIEF – I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

the formula of REBT, coined by Dr. Albert Ellis in the 1950s, is based on the work of ancient philosophers such as Marcus Aurelius. (sidenote, i’m just getting into Marcus Aurelius, and, ah, his words are gems!). i discovered it through the recommendation of OCD expert Robert Bray. out of all techniques of rewiring cognitive patterns i’ve used, it has proved most efficient in deconstructing pure o so far!

known as the A-B-C-D-E-F model, its premise is: most of the distress we experience is unnecessary suffering which arises from holding onto irrational beliefs. (i think this differentiates REBT from other action-orientated techniques of therapy, as it doesn’t promise to end suffering, but to instead dilute unnecessary suffering). it provides you this model to identify the irrational belief, dispute it, replace it & process.

let’s take an example in which i applied REBT!

situation: i want to have an experience by attending a specific event.

adversity: a thought arises; i want it, but what if i am not good enough for it?

belief: if i have this thought, there must be some truth to it. perhaps * i * should not go for it and protect myself from the possibility of rejection.

consequence: my chest contracts, i experience distress & there is the possibility of not going for what i want.

disputation: both the thought of not being good enough and the judgment of the thought as particularly meaningful are irrational beliefs. being “good enough” is a volatile concept which only exists in an even more volatile & subjective scale of comparison that cannot be quantified in reality. a thought is a cognitive process which arises from conditioning and from what we consume and have consumed on a daily basis over years with a degree of randomness; a thought is not a fact which has any inherent meaning other than that which i assign to it. if i have to label or judge my thoughts, per Ellis, it would be more rational to judge them as “effective” or “ineffective” (to one’s goal – more on this later).

effective new belief: thoughts and doubt have arisen and i can choose to remain undisturbed by either.

new feelings: relief. self-assurance. there is nothing wrong. 🤍

#pureo compulsion example as identified by Robert Bray, MD:

dissecting a past situation seen as unfavourable to catch patterns from multiple angles in order to ensure it won’t happen again. *to be differentiated from learning from past happenings in retrospect. a compulsion distinguishes itself through over-fixation as well as rooted core-fear.

my experience with this:

i dissected a particular mess i got myself into from hundreds of angles almost daily after i got myself out of it. i thought that if i dissected it hard enough, i could catch all of the giveaway signs and would ensure that i would never, ever put myself in that dynamic again – and protect myself. not only was it stressful to follow this thread, but it only stuck me into dead ends and loops of thinking which morphed into other loops of thinking.

breaking down the compulsion:

what is the rooted core-fear?
that i will be in pain again.

what is the irrational belief behind this compulsion?
that there can ever be a certainty.

disputing through REBT: there is no certainty that any situation would repeat itself with the same patterns and giveaway signs. life is too complex. yes, i might get hurt again. yes, i might end up in that dynamic again. yes, i might have to pull myself out of that dynamic again. it might not be pleasant.

i accept the uncertainty of that and the possibility (probability) of pain.

Contemplations on the Modern Spiritual Landscape

99% of the modern spiritual landscape thrives on enforcing worthlessness and dependency. there is something wrong with you, but you can be sold the cure. through this course. or this program. or this training structure.

this paradigm is packaged masterfully in esotericism and sanskrit terminology, with beacons of validatory hope offered that keep you hooked in a dopamine loop of hope: God loves you; you are God — which will mean nothing to you as long as your intrinsic experience of yourself continues to be one of absolute worthlessness.

once you are stuck in worthlessness while having access to no real tools to actually break through it, the reassuring promises of divine love or wholeness will act only as reinforcers of the one constant underlining message, which will continue to be, you are not worthy.

and because you are so excruciatingly insecure, you will believe it, and strive to become worthy. you will be cruel to yourself. you will give away your autonomy. you will beat yourself up for feeling anger or misalignment. for not being “surrendered”. for making what you fear are mistakes. you will compare yourself to others, you will become dependent on others. you will mistrust yourself. you will repress yourself.

you will think that the experience is anywhere but here, in you.

don’t fall for it.

only you can liberate yourself.

God is here and now.

I Am Become Death, the Destroyer of the Worlds: On Oppenheimer and the Bhagavadgītā

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of the worlds.

*Note, a more accurate translation is:

I am Time, the destroyer of all; I have come to consume the world.

BG: 11:32; trans. Eknath Easwaran.

Sometime ago, I was involved in a discussion about whether it was blasphemous for Oppenheimer to have quoted from the Bhagavadgītā upon seeing the explosion triggered by the atomic bomb he constructed. I was of the opinion that it was not. The opposing view was that Kṛṣṇa’s demolition was one of divine nature, whereas Oppenheimer’s manmade atomic bomb was not. Whereas, in this perspective, Kṛṣṇa’s violence and destruction were justified through Kṛṣṇa’s inherent divinity, Oppenheimer’s humanness disfigured his destruction with greed and impunity.

This comment rested at the back of my mind while I watched Oppenheimer the other night, and the film solidified my view.

I would maintain that, to one adhering to a non-dual outlook, there is no separation between Kṛṣṇa’s violence in the Bhagavadgītā (or, more accurately, in the Mahābhārata) and Oppenheimer’s manmade, humane violence. Violence is violence, and divinity (or Consciousness) is inherent in the fabric of that, as it is in all that is. The genius of Oppenheimer’s brain which created such a formidable and terrible invention functions on the same patterns that enable and are Kṛṣṇa’s destruction. There is nothing more inherently divine in death by astras (supranatural weapons controlled and imbued by mantras central to the Kurukṣetra war) than death by atomic bomb.

Not only do I argue that it was not blasphemous for Oppenheimer to quote the BG and internalise his work through its prism (and, incidentally, is blasphemy anything but a dual social construct? Can Consciousness be blasphemous of itself?), but I argue that this is exactly how the Bhagavadgītā is lived in direct experience. The Bhagavadgītā and the Mahābhārata are not lifeless ancient texts that are only accessible or relevant in an esoteric, abstract realm. The BG and the Mbh are lived here and now, from a moment to moment unfolding. I would maintain that we cannot pick and choose what we like from these texts or what aligns to our morals (such as teachings on goodness) and disregard the rest — or take it metaphorically. The last parvas of the Mbh are incredibly violent and include gory descriptions of war, and the BG occurs on the battlefield of said war. This, in my view, does not signify that the texts glorify violence — no more than they glorify any other aspect of creation. It is a sign that violence exists as a natural development of the triadic cycle of creation (creation — preservation — destruction), and it is a manifestation of Consciousness.

The Bhagavadgītā coming alive to Oppenheimer upon witnessing his own potential for destruction is a testament to the BG’s existence in the collective consciousness as an expression of truth, pulsing and flowering for the one who expands their individual consciousness enough to tap into it and to allow it to manifest through themselves.

Barbie Mini-Review: Sweet yet an Encapsulation of the Deficiencies of Pop-Feminism

Sweet, energetic, and entertaining, Greta Gerwig’s Barbie is a delightfully camp blockbuster that I thoroughly enjoyed. The cinematography is excellent, the colour palette is perfect, and the actors are a treat. However, I did find its feminist thesis to be lacking. Although I acknowledge that the film is in itself a comedy which does not aim to solve social justice and functions primarily as entertainment, it still does construct a social, feminist commentary, which is why I found it fitting to utilise as a stimulus for analysing the deficiencies of pop-feminism culturally, as well as within myself.

Barbie offers its female characters the space and opportunity to muse on their condition and on the pains of being a woman, such as the contradictions of having to be extraordinary (attractive, successful, loving, kind, assertive) and yet contained, the ideal being achieving or conforming to a personal excellence that concomitantly is appeasing, controllable and tameable; yet never too much — not too powerful, nor too intimidating or destabilising.
A message of: Shine, but do not shine too much.

In my personal journey, I have recently been reflecting on my self-punishing tendencies and on my self-images of having to always be kind, never angered or envious, and, while watching Barbie, I was moved listening to the monologues of the female characters, and saw more clearly how much of my own ruptures in my identity are the legacy of having been conditioned and socialised as female growing up.

“I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie ourselves into knots so that people will like us.” America Ferrera as Gloria in Barbie.

Indeed, I have found that men are less likely to have intense hang-ups around emotions such as anger, as it is viewed as more acceptable for them to express it. However, this binary contracts all gendered expressions, as male conditioning stereotypically also rejects its own emotional range of vulnerability and openness.

The human condition is such that we all are continuously split and stretched within between who we think we should be and who we truly are. We perpetually hide, repress, contort, and harm ourselves to mould into ideals and images which we innocently construct by absorbing various messages from society, culture, history. The Barbies are given the chance to see through the mirage of constriction, the Kens are not (which, in part, saddened me), however, neither fully glimpse through into the ultimate bondage: that of the gendered self.

To successfully break through the suffering caused by female conditioning, a deconstruction of the very concept of femaleness as a rigid reality must ultimately occur — along with a deep dive into gender as a construct, both which are unfortunately glossed over in Barbie, and, on a greater scale, in pop-feminism. In my understanding, complete liberation cannot be achieved while still operating in the gender binary, which is to be dismantled within in order to open to freedom from all self-images, internal conflicts and constrictions.

Barbie both delighted me with its vibrancy, playfulness and beauty, and also reminded me that, as a woman myself, I must push through myself more for my liberation.

My arguments are based on the work of feminist philosophers such as Simone de Beauvoir (see: The Second Sex), as well as on the precepts of non-dual ‘Eastern’ philosophy.

God is not the socio-moral norms of religion

God is not the socio-moral norms of religion. the socio-moral norms of religion are historical remnants of a time in which religion ruled society and culture and were means to both regulate and ensure harmony (eg. don’t harm another precept) or control and subjugate in the instances in which abuses of power occurred.

you won’t find God by adhering to archaic socio-moral norms belonging to scriptures from centuries ago. it might seem as an evident statement, but i have recently been struck by how insidious dichotomies of morality run inside of me, despite the fact that i adhere to a non-dual view (tldr on non-duality: the belief in one absolute, genderless, formless consciousness that pervades and is all that is).

having seen how deeply remnants of morality are sown into me, i have been reflecting on: where has my obsessive streak of wanting to be a good person come from? from a subconscious understanding that it is in that morality that i will find God. what is my tendency to beat myself up rooted in whenever i do something which i perceive to be a mistake? in a fear that i would not find God in my so-called wretchedness. where does shame come from, with an emphasis on the shame that continues to shroud my connection to my sexuality? from internalising shame around sexuality as a ‘sin’, a wanton nail in the coffin that would ensure my perpetual disconnection to God.

God is beyond virtue and sin.

the other day, i told myself: damn it, use your intellect. no matter the fairytale story conjured about a higher power, how could that higher power ever punish, reject or be angered with me, or with anyone for the matter?

i was engaged in particularly unvirtuous-ly considered behaviour recently when it hit me, i feel so loved and accepted by God right now, and i am – inherently. and i don’t have to do anything else rather than be myself to be loved or accepted. note: it might seem contradictory to assign the wilfulness of love & acceptance to the non-dual understanding of consciousness, but it’s one of those contradictions that somehow just ‘is’ and i feel like can’t be explained. the love is there. 💙

reflections on the dynamics of learning from another on the internal journey

today i discussed with a friend and fellow spiritual practitioner about our experiences with learning from people and receiving guidance on the internal journey. they shared with me about their moments of disagreement with their teacher, and about how such moments often end in comedic relief or deepened openness.

incidentally, i have recently experienced such a moment myself, in which i felt frustrated with the person i am learning from, and my first impulse was to suppress my frustration – which is the modus operandi i have internalised from past experiences, having come to associate disagreement or conflict with one you are learning from with lack of surrender or respect, with something being wrong with me as a ‘student’ – as myself. (*note: i don’t resonate with using ‘teacher’ – ‘student’ labels anymore, but for simplification sake).

i was set to suppress myself this time as well, only a pestering thought or feeling lingered and pulled at me.

the thought was: “i can’t do this to myself again”.

so i reached out, asked if i could share, expressed all of it as it came, as irrational and messy as it was – and breathed in relief. when the response came, it was most welcoming and kind. and i thought to myself, oh.

it can be like this. easeful. it can be like this; a non-judgmental container in which a full capacity for self-expression is allowed, in my niceness and in my ugliness, in which there is no fear of being wrong or of making an offence.

i sat with this for many hours later, for the first time in years seeing how heavy the burden of having curbed my self-expression had been – in and out of ‘spirituality’ (which, yes, encompasses all, but again for simplification sake).

followingly, questions that came to mind on this dynamic were:

can you ever truly be vulnerable and open with someone if you are continuously worried about offending or disrespecting them? and, can you ever be truly vulnerable and open with yourself if you are continuously worried about offending or disrespecting someone else – even if you consider that person your teacher? (extrapolating this, i believe this applies to our relationship with God as well – how can we connect if we live in self-imposed fears of God?)

although i do think that there is no right or wrong ‘teacher’ (and, extending this to the playground of life, person, friend, whichever the role etc), or right or wrong place to be in, i personally have decided that i want to learn from someone i can speak freely to, and be freely with. if i spend more time being on edge than expanding, i’m out. 

Whisky as Sacrament: Cleansing the Doors of Perception | The WhiskyBaba Experience

Introduction: The Way of Sacraments

“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.”

William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell (1970).

From psilocybin, ayahuasca and cannabis to wine and spirits, the practice of utilising intoxicants as sacraments for internal, embodied, or transcendental expansion is a well-established one in numerous spiritual traditions (see Terence Mckenna, The Food of the Gods, 1992).

Single malt scotch is such a sacrament, which, when consumed with proper, ritualised awareness, can become a tool to enter what William Blake and Aldous Huxley called ‘the doors of perception’: a broadening of one’s understanding and processing of the immediate reality.
Known as ‘the water of life’, the medicinal properties of whisky, such as its anti-inflammatory attributes, its potential to reduce blood fat and lower the risk of heart-disease (and many more!) are well-known to whisky-lovers. However, research into whisky’s potential is nowhere near complete, and pioneers continue to make groundbreaking discoveries that continuously innovate our understanding of whisky’s promise.

The WhiskyBaba Approach
Such pioneering research is being put forward by Dr. Sumit Kesarkar through Whiskybaba.in.

Whiskybaba.in’s research centres on unlocking neuro-hormonal intelligence in our systems through the consumption of certain single malt scotch whiskies, on the foundations of the āyurvedic algorithms of rasā.

This method, developed by Dr. Sumit Kesarkar, targets kaśāya rasā, or the astringent complex, which impacts the body’s macro and micro levels to process, digest, excrete mental and physical wastes, and keep one’s system open to profound sensory experience.
Whisky is consumed with a special breath / practice that was developed with the purpose of maximising and accessing the substance’s neural potential. The breath is known as the Sfaim breath, which is demonstrated on the WB channel.With this breath, one can activate parts of the brain which are generally difficult to access in the daily unfolding of life, which results in a heightened expansion of the senses, as well as in the opening of the potential to rewire and dive deeper into the mind.

Whisky is consumed in a larger context in which a proper lifestyle is cultivated (meaning, a discipline structured on āyurvedic principles, such as eating and sleeping at set times and avoiding inflammatory foods, which results in a regulated body and system that can absorb the substance at maximum potential), as well as with the mindset of viewing whisky as a sacrament.

The mindset of viewing whisky as a sacrament can mean many things: from drinking with the awareness that one is consuming a substance that has the potential to unlock their brain patterns (as opposed to drinking with casualness for entertainment purposes) to ensuring a perfect ambiance (for instance, on the WB retreat the ambiance was created within a Scottish heritage manor that echoed with silence and an air of mystery; but the ambiance need not to be so imposing in terms of daily use, as in, one can ensure it — or I do — by choosing to consume whisky on their own, in quietude, with single-pointedness; not while watching TV or doing other things, but with maximum attention accorded to the process).

Lastly, the whisky that is consumed must fit an astringency profile, which indicatively needs to fulfil the following criteria: 50%+ alcohol vol., cask strength, matured in casks such as European oak, and it is best consumed approximatively two hours after dinner, which in line with the lifestyle principles priorly mentioned would be around 8pm.

Experiencing Whisky

I started drinking whisky every evening since July 2022, following a(n unfortunately brief) taste of the WhiskyBaba experience in Edinburgh. I drank a dram by myself, sat with myself, and experienced myself in the expansion of that. I sometimes rested in quietude, enjoying the heightened sensations, the sharpening of the intellect and the internal pulsations that resulted from the absorption of the sacrament. I sometimes danced, gazing at myself in my mirror and feeling the joy of connection to the movement of my body. I sometimes cried and I sometimes smiled. I sometimes called friends and poured my heart.

The evening ritualisation of whisky led to profound shifts in perspective on three planes.

First, a spur in creativity. At that time, in terms of creative writing, I had been exclusively writing poetry for approximatively six to seven years. I identified (or limited myself as) a poet, and had not felt any inkling toward creating prose in the given time-period. However, to my great surprise, in the quietude of the early evening, my mind began to weave stories and characters together, and I started writing prose fiction. Whatever blockage I had toward this genre (which, looking back, if I were to linearly pinpoint, came from undigested experiences with the world and writers of prose as a teenager) loosened, and I wrote flowingly; unashamedly. The topics varied and trickled out of my brain in waves.

Oftentimes, when I write, I cannot help but write with an audience in my mind, which can corrupt the process by diluting it and moulding it to the preferences or validation of a specific imagined target-group; the concept of an audience disappeared in those evenings, and I wrote as if in a vacuum. I wrote things which would have made me cringe (and sometimes did!) in the early morning, but I did not care. They were in me and were welcomed because they existed in that space-time quantum. It was cathartic.

Second, I arrived at a sudden insight of seeing that I had been holding onto shame around my sexuality, and was both repressing myself and feeling unfulfilled, as well as isolated in my life. Painful experiences as well as buried desires came to the surface, and there was no other way to proceed but to welcome them. This led to taking action in my life: after a very long break, I began dating again, as well as started reconnecting with friends and rebuilding my social life.

Third, a glimpse into what Carl Jung would name the ‘shadow-self’ dawned upon me. The shadow-self is represented by aspects of ourselves we deem as ‘dark’ and hide from our conscious mind out of fear of seeing ourselves. I realised that I was seeing myself as split into two: the light me, composed of parts of me that could be deemed as socially acceptable, such as occasional generosity and occasional kindness, and the dark me, the parts of me that could lead to social rejection, the one that held jealousy, and pettiness, and ‘dark’ desires that made me ashamed of myself.

Jung decrees that, in order for an individual to achieve psychic wholeness, one must undergo individuation, which is a psychological process that merges the unconscious (the darkness we push into the depths of our subconscious) and the conscious (what we deem as light). The shadow-self is welcomed and co-exists with the light-self until the awareness of neither having been separate from the other all along springs. (see: Carl Jung, The Archetypes and Collective Unconscious, 1959).

On these evenings, I began to welcome my darkness back to myself, but, in full honesty, only tiny fragments of myself have been fully merged with what I perceive to be my light. Shame and self-rejection are still deeply rooted, but it is okay. The process is not a quick one, and I am learning to remain curious of its unfolding, instead of to rush into wanting a fast fix. Ultimately, there is nothing to fix either way.

A Pause

In September 2022, I paused my whisky experimentation for thirty days. The reasoning behind this period of abstinence was to observe the changes that would occur in the absence of whisky, and to thus gauge the actual impact whisky had on my system and every-day life.

In this period, I noticed a lessened ability to digest thoughts and emotions, a slight increase in mental agitation, and as the thirty days came to end, I also began to miss the evening ritual. It wasn’t the whisky as a substance that I missed, the taste or its sensorial effect, but the opportunity to connect to myself on a deeper level, and to ground myself in myself.

After thirty days, I resumed the ritualised practice with greater attention and respect to its effects and benefits on my system.

The WhiskyBaba Retreat

The WhiskyBaba retreat, a four-day immersion into the exploration of whisky as a sacrament, deepened my connection with whisky from an experiential standpoint. It included numerous tastings of whiskies that matched the WB astringent profile, exquisite culinary experiences, the learning of new breath modulations to utilise in drinking whisky, and experiential arts-performance based on the algorithms of the Nātyaśāstra, a Sanskrit treatise on the performing arts (upcoming article on this): so, overall, it was an all-sensorial experience.

The WB motto is: “It is not about whisky, it is through whisky”.

This precept encapsulates the retreat experience most faithfully. After touching on the basics of whisky on the first day, we minimally discussed whisky as an entity; our discussions centred on the internal experience facilitated by this perfected tool, and, most significantly, the discussions paled before the experience itself. It is difficult to place the WB experience into words, or to say, ‘this changed, and this shifted’. Inside, the landscape seems different, though I am unsure how.

I am tempted to believe that the experience was an under-the-hood absorption, which might become apparent or not in the future. I am tempted to say that the doors of perception creaked open a little, if it is not arrogant of me to do claim so. More knocking at the door is surely needed. I am unsure if it is even worth trying to use words to describe any glimpses of the hallway drawn after these doors open. As Huxley writes after he opened his own doors:

“Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies — all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never the experiences themselves.”

I will try, however, to place into words one particular experience. Seated by the fireplace by myself after all went to sleep, I enjoyed a dram with my eyes transfixed on the flames, inhaling the smoke that seeped into the peaty scent of the opened bottle of whisky. The house was quiet, the night was dark. I enjoyed the sensation of ‘me’, and felt myself establishing more deeply into the understanding that I am the path, and the path is from me to me. Followingly, it was fascinating to observe the dynamic of participating in group sessions and imbibing the same sacrament, as well as learning from someone, while having this understanding held into my awareness, sometimes firm, sometimes less.

Perhaps an important reminder is that the entity is the tool and not the path. We are always the path.

On technical terms, I believe the retreat refined my palette into being able to catch, assess the difference between whiskies which match the profile of astringency and those who don’t. Interestingly, most whiskies available on the market are exceedingly sweet and don’t match this profile, as they are matured in, for instance, sherry casks.

Whisky and Overindulgence

Is overindulgence possible with this approach? Everything is possible at any given moment, but I would argue that, if the WB approach is followed to a T, overindulgence is a very unlikely possibility. This is because, if a proper lifestyle is followed and the Sfaim breath is utilised with awareness and the mindset of sacrament is cultivated, there is no use to drink in excess, and less of a chance to drink casually; I would even argue that the wish to drink in excess is likely to not arise, and as you proceed, you will intuitively know how much to drink, as you fall into alignment with your body-mind. For instance, throughout my experimentations, I began to know in the mornings if I drank too much — I could feel a sense of indigestion in my stomach, or my mind would feel heavy. Similarly, I also began to notice when the whisky was not an appropriate one for me, or in alignment with the WB guidelines for whisky (which also become individualised as one deepens their explorations with it).

Whisky and Escapism

Generally, we associate alcohol with escapism. I would maintain, however, that the WB approach of drinking whisky allows for no such thing. For instance, one particular evening I was feeling discomfort, shame before picking up the glass. A part of me would have very much preferred if the whisky would have wiped both the feeling away, as well as the experience that my mind kept rewinding. However, drinking heightened the feeling of embarrassment, and I was forced to bite through it until it was fully welcomed inside of me and it dissolved on its own accord. Sidenote, this does not mean that any given time the uncomfortable feeling will dissolve on its own when connecting with yourself through whisky. I mean, sure, as the theory goes, every feeling will ultimately dissolve because everything is transient and nothing is permanent, but the expectation of the discomfort to dissolve is an ineffective one, as it might simply not achieve fruition in that particular instance.

Stay tuned for part II. Here’s to cleansing the doors of perception!

Finally, many thanks to WhiskyBaba for providing this platform and this method to us. I am sure so many will benefit from it. ❤

To learn more about WhiskyBaba, follow these links:

Website: https://whiskybaba.in/

Book: https://tr.ee/oQpzj7iXIj

YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbMmVPRIqAo&t=25s

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WB Foundational Series: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/whiskybaba-accessing-neurohormonal-intelligence-through-single-malt-tickets-656200412097

fluorescent tears on the train

crying fluorescent tears on the train,

𝘪 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘥, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸?,

i say to you. my eyes are soft but i house venom underneath my teeth. i cloak my vulnerability in spite, daring you to be cruel to me so i can finally bite. you can tell.

𝘪𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨,

you finally say.

i gauge your kindness with suspicion.

when i detect no snide, i soften my tongue.

yes

but

𝘪𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥,

𝘪 𝘥𝘰 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵

there’s this song that lorde wrote after david bowie died

she sings about spilling our guts out on graceless nights because we are young and so ashamed,

frying our brains to the speakers

as we watch our heroes die

like lorde, all my heroes perished.

the party’s cut into my bones,

and the magic bullet’s wearing off.

dancing her feet on tombs,

lorde concludes

that she can’t stand to be alone.

watching my heroes fade,

i also thought

that i couldn’t stand to be alone.

yet i’m crying fluorescent tears on the train

and i feel my youth burning strong,

flaming my throat with anger and song.

my youth,

it still burns strong.

and i know.

my heroes ashed,

but i can stand

to be alone.

you open your mouth to respond

but i shake my head. i already know. it doesn’t need

to be spoken to me,

not anymore.

you smile and vanish in the scenery.

i’m crying fluorescent tears

on the train

and i can stand to be alone.

🦋 poem from my upcoming poetry collection which tackles the blooming into young adulthood. 💙