November 2020 – amaryllis

I, Lalla

November 24, 2020 Téa Nicolae3 Comments

kneeling at the cradle of the skies and the seas,
she prays with her hips
and she asks the Earth for forgiveness.

~ these are my favourite lines from an ending poem belonging to my final year project: a devotional collection about the feminine mystique. while writing it, my greatest influence was Lalleshwari, who also is my favourite poetess. i’ve been fondly thinking of her today as i revisited my poems. from her collection “I, Lalla”:

Wrapped up in Yourself, You hid from me.
All day I looked for You
and when I found You hiding inside me,
I ran wild, playing now me, now You.

As the moonlight faded, I called out to the madwoman,
eased her pain with the love of the One.
‘It’s Lalla, it’s Lalla,’ I cried, waking up the Loved One.
I mixed with Him and drowned in a crystal lake.

I wore myself out, looking for myself.
No one could have worked harder to break the code.
I lost myself in myself and found a wine cellar. Nectar, I tell you.
There were jars and jars, and no one to drink it.

i aimed to emulate her character into the female voice i created: an embodied woman devoted to the supranatural, whose esoteric experiences were deeply personal, imperfect and feminine. Lalla (or Lal Ded) was an enchanting Kashmiri mystic and saint, who created the prominent style of spiritual poetry known as “vakhs”. she wrote heart-wrenching, devotional poetry to Lord Śiva, who she was enamoured with. she wore nothing but the tresses of her long hair and lived the life of an ascetic: she renounced all worldly possessions and would wander, bare, sharing her wisdom and teachings. some lauded and worshipped her, some threw rocks at her, but she paid no mind. she wrote:

They may abuse me or jeer at me,
They may with flowers worship me.
What profits them whatever they do?
I am indifferent to praise and blame.
Can a few ashes a mirror befoul?

^ i wish to tread through life so wildly. excited to share this collection of mine with you in the (far) future, when the time is right.

me treading through life coyly in portugal, where i hope to relocate one day. i have kept adding photos to this website, although i never thought i would do that at first. but, i don’t know, i feel vaguely nostalgic, times are changing quickly, i’m growing out of my mermaid hair… and there is longing inside of me to share, to connect, as i am, clumsy and … lost… and me….

Poem to Kālī Ma

November 14, 2020November 4, 2021 Téa NicolaeLeave a comment

a blessed Diwali, dear ones! today i am sharing a short (but dear!) devotional poem i wrote sometime ago, which was shared here in summer.

i place my loss
on a gold platter with silver rings
and offer it
to Kālī,
the divine mother of the universe.

i burn my loss on incense sticks
and dampen it with cold water.
i place quartz stones
on my loss and i beg.

i adorn my loss with scarlet flowers
and fresh apples.
i offer my loss to Kālī
and beg her to eat it.

sink your teeth in my loss, mother
drink my pain
swallow my worry
and inhale my woe.

i met Reva in October 2019 during some incredible & transformational days at Mandala Yoga Ashram, where i was touched by her devotion & gentleness. so i was especially moved & honoured when she invited me to contribute to her brand new website with a poem about Devī! the painting of Tārā is the creation of my friend and mentor, Rashmi Thirtha Sacred Arts Studio: and the pūjā book got me through some dark times two years ago – or pulled me through the keyhole, for those familiar with that Kālī metaphor…

may there be light!

photos of the shrine i adorned for this occasion, dedicated to Kālī and Tārā.

on this blessed day, also sharing a glimpse of grace… these mesmerising artworks, painted by the divinely talented Rashmi, have recently arrived at my doorstep from the US i am truly enchanted! i fell in love with Rashmi’s art while attending a life-changing retreat on the wisdom of the Mahāvidyās led by two brilliant beings who transformed my life, Kavitha M.D. (whom i am now blessed to call my teacher) and Christopher Hareesh Wallis. it feels surreal that only a few months later these pieces are adorning my room and i am thanking Rashmi not as a stranger, but as a mentor and friend: thank you once again, i will treasure these deeply! pictured: MahāLakṣmī, Lalitā yantra, Kālī yantra, and currently framing a portrait of Tārā! the perfect birthday gift! dear friends, be sure to check out Rashmi’s newly launched website. 🙂

Created with RNI Films app. Preset ‘Agfa Precisa 100’

twenty-two: outpouring grace

November 9, 2020February 5, 2021 Téa NicolaeLeave a comment

so, twenty-two! this morning i revisited two letters i wrote to myself: one as i entered my twenties, and the other as i turned seventeen. i was very touched. at age seventeen, depression had slipped into my every inch, and, at times, i was doubtful whether i was going to make it through my teens. looking back to my struggle is humbling. i am endlessly grateful for the enveloping grace that pushed me to become enamoured of life herself. my resolution and wish for this year is to become committed to loving what is, no matter what that looks like. thinking about this wondrously beautiful and painful year, i decided that twenty-one meant transformation, discipline and grace. twenty-one was marked by a few milestones: i completed my undergraduate degree and began my postgraduate studies; my poetry blossomed into a radically new direction, and my lyrical voice, at first so saddened and scattered, grew along with me, blooming into devotion and lushness as esotericism bound us together; i made amends with estranged friends and undertook my most mature projects to date –

most importantly, i found my beloved teacher, my Guruji (or she found me!) and my dear sangha. if my fidgety teens have been about constructing a sense of self that desperately wanted *more*: more accomplishments, more beauty, more connections, more validation, my twenties are about unbecoming: humbly peeling layers of my self and opening to the sweetness that glimmers through… and, if you look closely, “She is smiling at you from all things”…

…She’s playing in my heart.
Whatever I think, I think Her name.
I close my eyes and She’s in there
Garlanded with human heads.

Common sense, know-how-gone,
So they say I’m crazy. Let them.
All I ask, my crazy Mother,
Is that You stay put.

Ramprasad cries out: Mother, don’t
Reject this lotus heart You live in
Don’t despise this human offering
At Your feet…

Ramprasad Sen

the flowers i’m holding were sent to me by my parents and i am wearing a mystic wig that made me fall back in love with dark hair. this was the first year that my family did not see me for my birthday due to travelling restrictions, so they sent me flowers. i fell in love with adorning my room with flowers in summer, when i spent my mornings offering fresh petals to Devi and nourishing my soul.